ive graduated

it just feels unreal. like, what, really? oh okay. lets go on to the next thing. no rest, no nothing. i dont even feel like celebrating. like, the whole 5 years is just shit. i mean yeah sure good for me that i finished it, but literally i went through semester after semester not because i want to learn, but just something that i have to get done.

i cried for a week when i realized that my time in brisbane is about to be up. not because i dont want to go back to indo, but because every semester is just me surviving, i didnt have the chance to achieve anything that i actually want to achieve. when i see my peers, they are further than me in terms of their personal development and career because they are living their passions. meanwhile me, i never really lived, im just surviving each day. i feel like i just lost my young adult years of being a passionate student. i didnt get to learn something that i actually want to learn about. my passion didnt matter for a long time.

like, imagine studying and being engaged. asking questions in class. learning. your curiosities answered. having what you do make you feel alive. get good grades and have confidence that you can do it. everyone knows your worth because youre working hard. everyday you get up and you know what you want to achieve. when times are tough (which are almost always), you can remind yourself that this is your purpose, what you love, and get back up again. catching up with your fellow passionate peers. being able to do what you want to do besides school like working or interning. meet new people with similar passions. i... i never get to experience this. i mightve had moments, but it doesnt last.

i just hate that i have to go through this to learn that i can shape my own future, that i have to believe in myself, that what i want matters. because my friends didnt have to go through this. their families believe in them. mine doesnt.

when i asked my family for me to stay for a few more months in brisbane just until my visa expires, they didnt even wanna allow me to. i just wanted to try and do the things ive missed out on. idk if it all will go according to plan but at least i tried. now they are going super ham with the controlling. i said i want to try to get an internship, but i needed a few weeks to get my portfolio done. like, im not even allowed to touch anything other than my architectural studies these past years. and now theyre telling me to finish it fast. like, i know i have to, but i dont have to tell them everything to the point of technicalities or what chapter im doing? i dont do things linearly. yet they expect me to say every little thing im working towards completing. i am already stressed and anxiety filled and they pull that shit, so of course im going to be mad. when i blew up on my sister, she just told me that im ungrateful, i dont think of nobody else but me. 

whatever, im just going to save the chat if i ever forgot how hurtful it was.

it just have been so stressful and depressing for me. i dont have any friends left, all i got is me. im trying to live a healthy life after this. it might be hard, but all i can do is keep trying.