the blog where i complain and tell stories

Beginning with the same, same old anxiety. Feeling intense and overwhelmed (with all the glorious physical symptoms of shortness of breath, heart palpilations, and dizziness of lo and behold anxiety) in the day because the semester is nearly starting. I was just feeling relieved that the first semester is over, but what feels like a blink of an eye, uni starts right away again. I know it wasn't a blink of an eye, but as always, I feel depressed in the holidays when I think about doing something productive. I just want to do my one and only coping strategy in continuing life, and that is procrastination. It never fails to makes me feel relieved and happy (temporarily), which is very bad, I know. I forced myself to do something better for myself (researching about my future; about graphic design or internships, or how to build my CV / portfolio), but I ended up feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed. AND fatigued. Fuck me. Needed to constantly take breaks, but I've managed...

I have just recently accepted more of myself. I accepted that I have dreams of becoming a graphic designer. And I'm willing to work hard for it. I never realized that all this time, I was denying myself. I kept telling myself that "No, you suck at drawing." or "Oh come on, you don't want to go to an "" easy "" college, and have a much lower wage than your friends (that studied "" harder "" majors) when you work, right?" "You don't want to be underestimated. Graphic designers don't do well in Indonesia" Thoughts like financial instability, long hours in front of computers, and especially the thought of living in a third world country that just a few people that appreciate graphic designers, the increasing competition, and a MUCH lower wage than in developed countries, is doubting me VERY much, (even I kept denying myself, trying to lie to myself that I dont want to do this profession) but a few ye...

Introductory: So, here I am writing on another new blog that I have just made a couple of minutes ago. I've just missed writing on a blog. I wanted to write on a new blog, on a clean slate, after I wrote some depressing things in the last one. Its just always the cycle - writing on a blog normally, then I got all depressed, wrote some personal shitty things that I feel horrible reading at. My last blog also included a writing about my uni entrance test experience, it popped on a lot of people's google searches because of the keyword "SIMAK". I was kind of unhappy about it, kind of panicking that it surpasses 3500 views on just a single post. I want my blog to just be personal now, ticked the search engines to be off on this blog so people wouldn't find it. Content: You know, maybe I just have to accept that my blog is not going to be the perfect blog, but I just couldn't- yet. I hope that it's a 'yet'. Because, I cant keep on making new blo...