Beginnings of my second semester in Brisbane.
Beginning with the same, same old anxiety. Feeling intense and overwhelmed (with all the glorious physical symptoms of shortness of breath, heart palpilations, and dizziness of lo and behold anxiety) in the day because the semester is nearly starting. I was just feeling relieved that the first semester is over, but what feels like a blink of an eye, uni starts right away again.
I know it wasn't a blink of an eye, but as always, I feel depressed in the holidays when I think about doing something productive. I just want to do my one and only coping strategy in continuing life, and that is procrastination. It never fails to makes me feel relieved and happy (temporarily), which is very bad, I know.
I forced myself to do something better for myself (researching about my future; about graphic design or internships, or how to build my CV / portfolio), but I ended up feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed. AND fatigued. Fuck me. Needed to constantly take breaks, but I've managed to get something planned for my future. I just wasn't as productive as I want myself to be.
Oh, and just so you know, I've failed an architecture-related class. I finally failed a class. After two years of struggling to keep my grades to only a Pass (at least a C or a 4) I've finally got a 3 (or a D). It was my mistake. I actually let myself fail and I'm the one who made that choice. A choice I made when I feel so, so, miserable. I was in literal pain, and I really wanted it all to stop. The thing is, besides that, it was also my mistake that led me end up with me choosing to stop working and fail as a result.
I was still adapting to QUT's learning experience amidst Corona, and my anxiety wasn't getting any better. With online learning, I wasn't able to force myself to attend tutorials and lectures, I even were so afraid of opening Blackboard to see what assignments I have to do. It was like traumatic to remember that I have all sorts of assignments that are waiting for me. It was so dreading. I haven't got any chance to meet new people, my social anxiety also worsens. Anyway, after recalling it, to be honest I don't know what to make out of my experience of the COVID-19 pandemic.
I was really feeling dead when I can't get out of my room, because I need that outside air to relieve my depression and anxiety. But at the same time, I am able to go on with life without interacting with anyone else, which really serves my social anxiety well. In the first days of orientation week and uni days, I feel very depressed, because I keep analyzing myself of imperfections when I talk to someone new, or when I talk to my friends. I keep saying things to myself, things like: I'm horrible at talking, I'm so bad at english they'll never want to talk to me again, I'm so awkward I'm never gonna find a new friend. So, after a few weeks of offline studies at uni, I always feel exhausted and end up crying after class. I felt so miserable. It's just so frustrating. Serba salah.
In my weeks of quarantine, I go on full procrastination mode. Felt so toxic and unhealthy. That was the mistake that led me with piles of work due, with me finishing the work only in the span of days, when it should be weeks and months of progress. To top it off I did not attend any tutorials, because it really triggers my anxiety. I do my best to not go into a panic attack, but oh well. I feel so trapped now.
Anyhow, I have been reading self help books and articles.
I know it wasn't a blink of an eye, but as always, I feel depressed in the holidays when I think about doing something productive. I just want to do my one and only coping strategy in continuing life, and that is procrastination. It never fails to makes me feel relieved and happy (temporarily), which is very bad, I know.
I forced myself to do something better for myself (researching about my future; about graphic design or internships, or how to build my CV / portfolio), but I ended up feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed. AND fatigued. Fuck me. Needed to constantly take breaks, but I've managed to get something planned for my future. I just wasn't as productive as I want myself to be.
Oh, and just so you know, I've failed an architecture-related class. I finally failed a class. After two years of struggling to keep my grades to only a Pass (at least a C or a 4) I've finally got a 3 (or a D). It was my mistake. I actually let myself fail and I'm the one who made that choice. A choice I made when I feel so, so, miserable. I was in literal pain, and I really wanted it all to stop. The thing is, besides that, it was also my mistake that led me end up with me choosing to stop working and fail as a result.
I was still adapting to QUT's learning experience amidst Corona, and my anxiety wasn't getting any better. With online learning, I wasn't able to force myself to attend tutorials and lectures, I even were so afraid of opening Blackboard to see what assignments I have to do. It was like traumatic to remember that I have all sorts of assignments that are waiting for me. It was so dreading. I haven't got any chance to meet new people, my social anxiety also worsens. Anyway, after recalling it, to be honest I don't know what to make out of my experience of the COVID-19 pandemic.
I was really feeling dead when I can't get out of my room, because I need that outside air to relieve my depression and anxiety. But at the same time, I am able to go on with life without interacting with anyone else, which really serves my social anxiety well. In the first days of orientation week and uni days, I feel very depressed, because I keep analyzing myself of imperfections when I talk to someone new, or when I talk to my friends. I keep saying things to myself, things like: I'm horrible at talking, I'm so bad at english they'll never want to talk to me again, I'm so awkward I'm never gonna find a new friend. So, after a few weeks of offline studies at uni, I always feel exhausted and end up crying after class. I felt so miserable. It's just so frustrating. Serba salah.
In my weeks of quarantine, I go on full procrastination mode. Felt so toxic and unhealthy. That was the mistake that led me with piles of work due, with me finishing the work only in the span of days, when it should be weeks and months of progress. To top it off I did not attend any tutorials, because it really triggers my anxiety. I do my best to not go into a panic attack, but oh well. I feel so trapped now.
Anyhow, I have been reading self help books and articles.
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