Feeling Guilty
I have just recently accepted more of myself.
I accepted that I have dreams of becoming a graphic designer. And I'm willing to work hard for it.
I never realized that all this time, I was denying myself.
I kept telling myself that "No, you suck at drawing." or "Oh come on, you don't want to go to an ""easy"" college, and have a much lower wage than your friends (that studied ""harder"" majors) when you work, right?" "You don't want to be underestimated. Graphic designers don't do well in Indonesia"
Thoughts like financial instability, long hours in front of computers, and especially the thought of living in a third world country that just a few people that appreciate graphic designers, the increasing competition, and a MUCH lower wage than in developed countries, is doubting me VERY much, (even I kept denying myself, trying to lie to myself that I dont want to do this profession) but a few years passed, and no, I never quit being obsessed with anything that involves graphic design.
And when I realized that, I've also realized that I've made a huge mistake.
I've always thought that I'm going to enjoy myself in the next years of studying architecture.
But, that day never arrive.
And now, I think it never will.
I know how some of my friends that are passionate in architecture, they are willing to work and study harder and dream to someday do this kind of work as an architect, even if its killing them. But me, I never felt that way. It is killing me but I'm not willing to want to be killed by it (lmao)
Some things contributed to the choice I made three years ago of accepting the offer to go in an architecture school. I knew I wasn't in the position to make another choice. It's not like I'm being forced, but I kept looking back and examine if I am actually able to make a different decision. I remember the thoughts that are on my mind that made me be okay to the choice of me going into an architecture school.
Those are:
1. It is freaking Universitas Indonesia
I know I shouldn't belittle myself, (as my therapist said, lmao) but I always think I would have never gotten into a prestigious university if it isn't because of my circumstances.
Let me elaborate: I have the privilege of having a father that's willing to pay for my tuition. Even if its a - lot- of tuition. And I'm very very greatful for that. Who doesnt want to miss going into an International program in a prestigious university? (idk maybe some people don't wanna, but I know I wanna)
Second, the KKI test is not as hard as the regular program test, I think. I've been exercising the test a couple of times before the actual test, and I got in because of that. Some of the questions in the test are literally the SAME as the questions I exercised on. It is both because of me, and because the fact that nobody else is willing to pay a tuition that high. And I don't think I'll ever going to want to miss the chance.
2. Its International Class
The program is what gets to me, 2 years in Indonesia, 2 years abroad. How awesome is that? Studying abroad has been the thing that I'm dreaming of. Once I meet the people in my program, I feel like I really belong here. I'm such an english language nerd, being around people that speaks fluent english makes me feel like I belong. We got to know each other so much because we took the same classes. I had a new family. Even though some people in the program won't love me back, I realize that I can still love them, and I truly feel like I have a new family.
3. I was never confident in myself
Looking back, I would have never been brave enough to take the leap. To swallow my pride. To fight for what I want. My parents never really support the fact that I want to be a graphic designer. Hell, if I'm not sure of myself either, how can I make that choice? I also cant swallow the pride.. of having to go to a private university that teaches graphic design. No Indonesian state university has a graphic design program.
ITB perhaps, but it was too much competition on SBMPTN that I won't have any chance in getting in. I'm not even great at drawing (which is literally the placement test of the FSRD program in ITB) the university's program itself is too artsy I think. I don't really want to take the art path of graphic design. Going into the art program but possibly having a chance to not be at the actual program of graphic design, actually made me feel unsure to take the placement test.
I'm not even sure if my father wants to pay the tuition for the degree. So in the end I didn't really came up with a conclusion, I did not know what I want, I was in denial, so I chose the choice that is convenient for me. The UI architecture program. Now, I'm not sure what to feel about the choice I made going into an architecture school, but I know that I have to be responsible to finish it. I kind of always thought that it was the right choice, but overtime, the school is killing me.
It just. so. hard. to work for my uni.
When you know you have completely taken the wrong path for your future,
when you know that if you keep doing it its going to damage your mental health even more,
when you know you dont enjoy doing it at all, when you suck at it, you just want to stop.
Especially during these hard COVID times. It makes everything even harder.
I've just been in an autopilot mode for these past years, being in architecture school puts me on autopilot. The constant crying, anxiety and depression. Its so painful.
I think its anxiety that makes me just constantly procrastinating on my tasks. I just feel tired of trying to force myself to do things I never want. that I suck at. I feel depressed sometimes, thinking about this.
I haven't made any friend since I've arrived in Brisbane either. Which is not helping at all.
I can't meet anyone except for my existing friends. Which a lot of times, I feel like they hate me (i know it's just my anxiety speaking, but the thoughts are really hard to ignore)
Right now, my strategy is just procrastinating and apparently on d-3 of the deadlines my brain starts to go on full power and I will begin working. Which isn't really a strategy, lmao.
So far, thank goodness that Allah is still with me (at least thats what I feel like) and really gave me enough strength to get a pass on the previous deadlines.
I still have anxiety for the upcoming deadlines which is like 60% of the overall grade.
I'm so worried I won't pass classes.
I swear, I'm trying and learning to control my anxiety.
Pray for me :(
I accepted that I have dreams of becoming a graphic designer. And I'm willing to work hard for it.
I never realized that all this time, I was denying myself.
I kept telling myself that "No, you suck at drawing." or "Oh come on, you don't want to go to an ""easy"" college, and have a much lower wage than your friends (that studied ""harder"" majors) when you work, right?" "You don't want to be underestimated. Graphic designers don't do well in Indonesia"
Thoughts like financial instability, long hours in front of computers, and especially the thought of living in a third world country that just a few people that appreciate graphic designers, the increasing competition, and a MUCH lower wage than in developed countries, is doubting me VERY much, (even I kept denying myself, trying to lie to myself that I dont want to do this profession) but a few years passed, and no, I never quit being obsessed with anything that involves graphic design.
And when I realized that, I've also realized that I've made a huge mistake.
I've always thought that I'm going to enjoy myself in the next years of studying architecture.
But, that day never arrive.
And now, I think it never will.
I know how some of my friends that are passionate in architecture, they are willing to work and study harder and dream to someday do this kind of work as an architect, even if its killing them. But me, I never felt that way. It is killing me but I'm not willing to want to be killed by it (lmao)
Some things contributed to the choice I made three years ago of accepting the offer to go in an architecture school. I knew I wasn't in the position to make another choice. It's not like I'm being forced, but I kept looking back and examine if I am actually able to make a different decision. I remember the thoughts that are on my mind that made me be okay to the choice of me going into an architecture school.
Those are:
1. It is freaking Universitas Indonesia
I know I shouldn't belittle myself, (as my therapist said, lmao) but I always think I would have never gotten into a prestigious university if it isn't because of my circumstances.
Let me elaborate: I have the privilege of having a father that's willing to pay for my tuition. Even if its a - lot- of tuition. And I'm very very greatful for that. Who doesnt want to miss going into an International program in a prestigious university? (idk maybe some people don't wanna, but I know I wanna)
Second, the KKI test is not as hard as the regular program test, I think. I've been exercising the test a couple of times before the actual test, and I got in because of that. Some of the questions in the test are literally the SAME as the questions I exercised on. It is both because of me, and because the fact that nobody else is willing to pay a tuition that high. And I don't think I'll ever going to want to miss the chance.
2. Its International Class
The program is what gets to me, 2 years in Indonesia, 2 years abroad. How awesome is that? Studying abroad has been the thing that I'm dreaming of. Once I meet the people in my program, I feel like I really belong here. I'm such an english language nerd, being around people that speaks fluent english makes me feel like I belong. We got to know each other so much because we took the same classes. I had a new family. Even though some people in the program won't love me back, I realize that I can still love them, and I truly feel like I have a new family.
3. I was never confident in myself
Looking back, I would have never been brave enough to take the leap. To swallow my pride. To fight for what I want. My parents never really support the fact that I want to be a graphic designer. Hell, if I'm not sure of myself either, how can I make that choice? I also cant swallow the pride.. of having to go to a private university that teaches graphic design. No Indonesian state university has a graphic design program.
ITB perhaps, but it was too much competition on SBMPTN that I won't have any chance in getting in. I'm not even great at drawing (which is literally the placement test of the FSRD program in ITB) the university's program itself is too artsy I think. I don't really want to take the art path of graphic design. Going into the art program but possibly having a chance to not be at the actual program of graphic design, actually made me feel unsure to take the placement test.
I'm not even sure if my father wants to pay the tuition for the degree. So in the end I didn't really came up with a conclusion, I did not know what I want, I was in denial, so I chose the choice that is convenient for me. The UI architecture program. Now, I'm not sure what to feel about the choice I made going into an architecture school, but I know that I have to be responsible to finish it. I kind of always thought that it was the right choice, but overtime, the school is killing me.
It just. so. hard. to work for my uni.
When you know you have completely taken the wrong path for your future,
when you know that if you keep doing it its going to damage your mental health even more,
when you know you dont enjoy doing it at all, when you suck at it, you just want to stop.
Especially during these hard COVID times. It makes everything even harder.
I've just been in an autopilot mode for these past years, being in architecture school puts me on autopilot. The constant crying, anxiety and depression. Its so painful.
I think its anxiety that makes me just constantly procrastinating on my tasks. I just feel tired of trying to force myself to do things I never want. that I suck at. I feel depressed sometimes, thinking about this.
I haven't made any friend since I've arrived in Brisbane either. Which is not helping at all.
I can't meet anyone except for my existing friends. Which a lot of times, I feel like they hate me (i know it's just my anxiety speaking, but the thoughts are really hard to ignore)
Right now, my strategy is just procrastinating and apparently on d-3 of the deadlines my brain starts to go on full power and I will begin working. Which isn't really a strategy, lmao.
So far, thank goodness that Allah is still with me (at least thats what I feel like) and really gave me enough strength to get a pass on the previous deadlines.
I still have anxiety for the upcoming deadlines which is like 60% of the overall grade.
I'm so worried I won't pass classes.
I swear, I'm trying and learning to control my anxiety.
Pray for me :(
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