Feeling a little bit miserable

Hm, what even is the right thing to do?
I’ve been wanting to change my habits of procrastination but for some reason I still cling to it. I still cling to the short term-ed good feeling from the avoidance. That sense of RELIEF you still have a couple of days and you can still be able to continue watching your favorite TV series, not having to spend a buttload of energy off in the day. It feels like straight up addiction at this point.

I mean, yes it sounds fair that I need time to change my habits because I’ve been having this horrible habit for a lot of years (and its been progressively worsening) it has only been a couple of months since I’ve been reading my self help books anyway, I have to give myself a break right? I dont know. What if, you know, I just apparently still dont know how to change my habits? Why am I still clinging to this habit? There is something I’m doing wrong.. Or maybe you just never gonna get over procrastination, its just how normal people behave? Hmm with that I dont think so, but maybe yes but also, maybe not to my degree (my procrastination habit feels like its ruining my life and my mental health to the point of .. depression).

It just has been the struggle of my life because it worsens my anxiety into 1000x. Getting panic and anxiety attacks, nightmares and depression because of it.

I know the only easiest thing I have to do is just do the things I want to do without thinking (doing changes thinking).  Its just so hard to maintain and continue doing that when your mind keeps going back to wanting to lay on bed, watching videos and relaxing, just about in every second it is not engaged. It felt good studying and making notes, but sitting for half an hour feels not good. My neck gets stiff from looking down. I sound like a whiny privileged girl but its just so hard when laying on your bed all day was all you’ve got a lot to do these past months. I got used to it too much.

Its that addiction of the sense of relief I get from procrastinating. I like the feeling, especially because most of the time I feel anxious. It makes me feel safe when I’m too scared to accept and face reality that I have to study and be productive. This fear of studying came from the desire of wanting to get a perfect grade. I have to accept that I’m not perfect and I will never get a “perfect” grade.

I’ve just again realized that my problems root from being a perfectionist. I swear I’ve wrote a similar thing like this on my journal but I kept forgetting why I feel certain things. Thanks blog for making me realize.

I’m still in denial of accepting a lot of things in my life. Pray for me

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the positive things about my life after graduation

 well ive written a long post about how it currently sucks right now, but i have some positive and great things for my life after graduation. i can finally do the things i want to do. im going to be a graphic designer. i dont know how it will turn out because im new to the industry, i still know nothing much. its so scary because all ive ever studied formally was architecture. i did graphic design things on my own, i learned it on my own. i dont know where im going to land an internship in, and that is exciting. I finally get to learn! Meeting new people, to be mentored. Live new experiences, a new chapter in life. i think i am finally ready to drive. its going to be scary. but i just realized, driving in indonesia equals independence. its a car-centric country. brisbane isnt, its why i love brisbane. but in indo unfortunately its hard to do anything if you dont have a vehicle. i might crash into other vehicles bcs im a bad driver but oh well i just have to prepare if it ever happe...
Read more

First Post

Introductory: So, here I am writing on another new blog that I have just made a couple of minutes ago. I've just missed writing on a blog. I wanted to write on a new blog, on a clean slate, after I wrote some depressing things in the last one. Its just always the cycle - writing on a blog normally, then I got all depressed, wrote some personal shitty things that I feel horrible reading at. My last blog also included a writing about my uni entrance test experience, it popped on a lot of people's google searches because of the keyword "SIMAK". I was kind of unhappy about it, kind of panicking that it surpasses 3500 views on just a single post. I want my blog to just be personal now, ticked the search engines to be off on this blog so people wouldn't find it. Content: You know, maybe I just have to accept that my blog is not going to be the perfect blog, but I just couldn't- yet. I hope that it's a 'yet'. Because, I cant keep on making new blo...
Read more

ive graduated

it just feels unreal. like, what, really? oh okay. lets go on to the next thing. no rest, no nothing. i dont even feel like celebrating. like, the whole 5 years is just shit. i mean yeah sure good for me that i finished it, but literally i went through semester after semester not because i want to learn, but just something that i have to get done. i cried for a week when i realized that my time in brisbane is about to be up. not because i dont want to go back to indo, but because every semester is just me surviving, i didnt have the chance to achieve anything that i actually want to achieve. when i see my peers, they are further than me in terms of their personal development and career because they are living their passions. meanwhile me, i never really lived, im just surviving each day. i feel like i just lost my young adult years of being a passionate student. i didnt get to learn something that i actually want to learn about. my passion didnt matter for a long time. like, imagine st...
Read more